Bad Feeling

Today I was on the phone with a loved one, who is struggling with the will to live. As I tried my best to comfort them. I couldn’t help but go back to a time in my life, that I contemplated suicide. I was struggling with illness, tragedies in my life and trying to find a reason to continue.

I had no one I could honestly turn to, that would listen without judgement, who would comfort me with true compassion, who would understand without rejection. Being lost in the darkness alone is a very difficult thing to over come, there is no light or life line to guide you back.

That is why I keep my heart open and full of love, I don’t want anyone to ever feel they are not worth fighting for, if I can help it.

The day finally came, suicide letter written, bills in order, everything in place, my mind and heart at peace with my decision and nothing to stop me but a bad feeling.

My husband made a surprise visit, because he had a “bad” feeling. Have you spoke to my mom he asked? Have you heard from my aunt?

Could he know? Could he feel my torment? We have known each other all of our lives, were we that in tune?

I will never forget the look of absolute anguish when he realized my plan and the reason for his bad feeling.

His words still  haunt me to this day… Do you not love me enough? Am I not worth it?

I had convinced myself they would be so much better off without me, that it never dawned on me he would feel that way.

Tears are streaming down my face now as I share this with you, it’s not an easy thing to admit, but I promised myself from that day I would never hide again.

Today I am grateful for a “bad” feeling and split second decisions.

Every second of life counts… especially when they have the power to turn someones life around.

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